Well, found my tape recorder, so here's that blog I recorded a couple weeks ago, verbatim:
"I'm having such a (garbled) time with myself right now. I... have a hard time putting it into words, but I can feel it inside. (sigh) I don't feel like I can get anywhere in life anymore. I have no.. confidence, I... it feels like a struggle just to get through every day. Sometimes. Not every day, but... I don't know where I'm going anymore. I don't like the routine my life has become, and I don't feel like I can do anything to fix it. I don't know what to do. Every... I look down roads I could take, but none of them... I don't feel like anything possible, I don't feel like... I don't feel like I can even accomplish what I want because in my mind, its too difficult, or that it will be fruitful. I don't feel like anything I do anymore has any meaning. I'm not getting anywhere, I'm working just barely getting by, getting bills paid, you know, keeping from going bankrupt. I'm not the father I could be, or could have been... I'm not the person I used to be. I'm not the person I want to be. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't have the courage to go through with anything that might help, cuz I'm too afraid of failing, and that will just sink me deeper. And with a wife and 4 children, I don't need to get any deeper in the mire than I already am. I think part of my problem stems from the fact that I've always had someone else rescue me from my troubles, and maybe that's what I'm waiting for, is for someone to magically whisk me away and to say "Here! We'll fix it for you!" And maybe that's my, maybe I'm too reliant on other people to fix my problems, instead of ME going forward and putting the effort in, to get myself back on the road, back on the right track. Maybe that's it. But from my standpoint, I don't know what I CAN do. Its not that I don't know. I don't SEE what I can do, you know? I wanna lay all my troubles on someone else and make them feel pity, or god help, laugh at me or whatever, because I'm too incompetent to take care of my own troubles.
Anyway, I'm at work."
Damn, look at all those run-on sentences...
"I'm having such a (garbled) time with myself right now. I... have a hard time putting it into words, but I can feel it inside. (sigh) I don't feel like I can get anywhere in life anymore. I have no.. confidence, I... it feels like a struggle just to get through every day. Sometimes. Not every day, but... I don't know where I'm going anymore. I don't like the routine my life has become, and I don't feel like I can do anything to fix it. I don't know what to do. Every... I look down roads I could take, but none of them... I don't feel like anything possible, I don't feel like... I don't feel like I can even accomplish what I want because in my mind, its too difficult, or that it will be fruitful. I don't feel like anything I do anymore has any meaning. I'm not getting anywhere, I'm working just barely getting by, getting bills paid, you know, keeping from going bankrupt. I'm not the father I could be, or could have been... I'm not the person I used to be. I'm not the person I want to be. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't have the courage to go through with anything that might help, cuz I'm too afraid of failing, and that will just sink me deeper. And with a wife and 4 children, I don't need to get any deeper in the mire than I already am. I think part of my problem stems from the fact that I've always had someone else rescue me from my troubles, and maybe that's what I'm waiting for, is for someone to magically whisk me away and to say "Here! We'll fix it for you!" And maybe that's my, maybe I'm too reliant on other people to fix my problems, instead of ME going forward and putting the effort in, to get myself back on the road, back on the right track. Maybe that's it. But from my standpoint, I don't know what I CAN do. Its not that I don't know. I don't SEE what I can do, you know? I wanna lay all my troubles on someone else and make them feel pity, or god help, laugh at me or whatever, because I'm too incompetent to take care of my own troubles.
Anyway, I'm at work."
Damn, look at all those run-on sentences...
posted by Tom at 1:04 AM
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