Well, its been a while since I've been here, as usual, so I thought I might fill some things in.
Dizzy dizzy dizzy, that's all I seem to be these days. My head has not been right for the past 2 weeks. I've been out of work, and I see the doc on Wednesday. This has been a tough time for me, both physically and mentally. Physically, because when my head is messed up, I can't work or do things around the house, at least not to the extent I want to, or need to. Mentally... The fact that I'm not able to work is killing me. We are damn near broke right now. The fact that I am the only one with a job but I'm not working is really stressing me. Monica is wanting to quit school and get a job to get our heads above water. She wants to put aside her dream. I can't let her do that, but I can't deny the practicality of it either. I mean, we have to eat. And Tony has put in his application at Wal-Mart and Pat says he should get a call sometime this week. So I guess things are going to get better, if only a little bit.
But I still can't escape the self-guilt I feel from not pulling my own weight around here. Moni's been going to school, Sher's been keeping the kids busy, and Tony's been working around the house inside and out. What have I been doing. Well... I make dinner. Yeah. Speaking of which, I really ought to go get something out of the freezer so we can eat on time tonight.
OK, time for deep feelings. I feel worthless. I am trash. I can't do what's expected and needed from me. Oh, I have my good days, but mostly I'm just a lump of shit. I've let my family down. I've taken Tony and Sherrie from their sailboat and brought them to my sinking raft. I think that hurts most, the fact that not only am I hurting my family, but I'm taking my friends with me now. They've been through so much in the past, they don't need this too. I feel like I should leave somehow, but I can't. I created this problem, and its my responsibility to fix it. Somehow.
Yeah.
I'm a go find something in the freezer and smoke my brains out. Then I might kill things.
Dizzy dizzy dizzy, that's all I seem to be these days. My head has not been right for the past 2 weeks. I've been out of work, and I see the doc on Wednesday. This has been a tough time for me, both physically and mentally. Physically, because when my head is messed up, I can't work or do things around the house, at least not to the extent I want to, or need to. Mentally... The fact that I'm not able to work is killing me. We are damn near broke right now. The fact that I am the only one with a job but I'm not working is really stressing me. Monica is wanting to quit school and get a job to get our heads above water. She wants to put aside her dream. I can't let her do that, but I can't deny the practicality of it either. I mean, we have to eat. And Tony has put in his application at Wal-Mart and Pat says he should get a call sometime this week. So I guess things are going to get better, if only a little bit.
But I still can't escape the self-guilt I feel from not pulling my own weight around here. Moni's been going to school, Sher's been keeping the kids busy, and Tony's been working around the house inside and out. What have I been doing. Well... I make dinner. Yeah. Speaking of which, I really ought to go get something out of the freezer so we can eat on time tonight.
OK, time for deep feelings. I feel worthless. I am trash. I can't do what's expected and needed from me. Oh, I have my good days, but mostly I'm just a lump of shit. I've let my family down. I've taken Tony and Sherrie from their sailboat and brought them to my sinking raft. I think that hurts most, the fact that not only am I hurting my family, but I'm taking my friends with me now. They've been through so much in the past, they don't need this too. I feel like I should leave somehow, but I can't. I created this problem, and its my responsibility to fix it. Somehow.
Yeah.
I'm a go find something in the freezer and smoke my brains out. Then I might kill things.
posted by Tom at 3:53 PM
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