Betrayal?
I'm going to start with some background first, before I get to the point.
6 months ago, Tony called Monica in a panic. To summarize, Tony's drinking had caught up to him; he was having a panic attack and Monica took him to the hospital. He finally realized that he can't keep on drinking like he was and that he needed help. Monica and I agreed that he could move back in with us, as long as he quit drinking. He agreed, and moved back into the basement.
He was making good progress. He was getting up during the day, helping out around the house, playing with the kids, and he seemed happier than he'd been in a while.
Then, in April, Sherrie called him. She wants to divorce him. In response, he started drinking. I can understand this. Its hard trying to get over someone who's been gone for a year, and then when they call it's to completely separate themselves.
It went on for about a week, and we finally let him know it was not O.K. anymore. All the liquor in our house had disappeared. We didn't discover it for a little while, but he admitted later to drinking it. Never did replace it though. We told him that he needed to straighten up, and drinking was not the answer. Drinking didn't help; it only made things worse. He agreed that he needed to find another outlet. I don't know when he started, but he'd been to a shrink and had gotten some meds.
About 2 weeks later, we got a call from the County Sheriff's office. Tony had been arrested the night before for public intoxication. $250 dollars later we bailed him out. We had a talk on the way home. Told him he can't keep doing this. He said he'd pay us back, and he did, but I told him it wasn't about the money. It was about keeping his promise, staying sober.
Fast forward another week or two, the beginning of May. One morning when Monica was getting me up, she noticed that there was quite a bit of Jim Beam missing from the bottle we were keeping in our room. She went upstairs; I was getting my slippers on so I went up after her. As I started going upstairs, I saw Tony take a bottle out from under his blanket and take a swig from it. We kinda had it out about it later; he said he didn't take any of the Jim Beam but admitted to drinking because he "wanted to enjoy his weekend". I told him, again, that he had agreed not to drink while he was living here, that it was not cool, and I couldn't tolerate it anymore. He said he understood, said he wouldn't drink after the weekend.
Today.
Monica saw Tony was passed out on his couch. She suspected he'd been drinking again. I agreed. Sure enough, in his trash can outside, were two large liquor bottles and a smaller, flask sized one. On the couch next to him was a McDonald's cup, half full of clear liquor.
Its not like he's got anything to be depressed about. He started helping out around the house. He pulled weeds with Monica a couple days ago. He just met a woman he really likes. She's been coming to see him at work, he's going out with her tonight after work, I think. They're supposed to go out to a club/bar on Saturday. I was supposed to go too.
I feel like I've been betrayed. He's lied to me. He's hiding his liquor. There's mouthwash in the back of his car and under his TV table. I don't know what to do. He's been my friend for 20 years. But the stress level in the house is really high. Do we kick him out? I don't know what that would do to our friendship, but then, its not like he hasn't been taking advantage of that anyway. The talks aren't working. Sure, he might stop drinking for a few days, but I know he'll just start up again, being more sneaky about it, or just drinking before he comes home at night.
Crap, I'm almost late for work.
6 months ago, Tony called Monica in a panic. To summarize, Tony's drinking had caught up to him; he was having a panic attack and Monica took him to the hospital. He finally realized that he can't keep on drinking like he was and that he needed help. Monica and I agreed that he could move back in with us, as long as he quit drinking. He agreed, and moved back into the basement.
He was making good progress. He was getting up during the day, helping out around the house, playing with the kids, and he seemed happier than he'd been in a while.
Then, in April, Sherrie called him. She wants to divorce him. In response, he started drinking. I can understand this. Its hard trying to get over someone who's been gone for a year, and then when they call it's to completely separate themselves.
It went on for about a week, and we finally let him know it was not O.K. anymore. All the liquor in our house had disappeared. We didn't discover it for a little while, but he admitted later to drinking it. Never did replace it though. We told him that he needed to straighten up, and drinking was not the answer. Drinking didn't help; it only made things worse. He agreed that he needed to find another outlet. I don't know when he started, but he'd been to a shrink and had gotten some meds.
About 2 weeks later, we got a call from the County Sheriff's office. Tony had been arrested the night before for public intoxication. $250 dollars later we bailed him out. We had a talk on the way home. Told him he can't keep doing this. He said he'd pay us back, and he did, but I told him it wasn't about the money. It was about keeping his promise, staying sober.
Fast forward another week or two, the beginning of May. One morning when Monica was getting me up, she noticed that there was quite a bit of Jim Beam missing from the bottle we were keeping in our room. She went upstairs; I was getting my slippers on so I went up after her. As I started going upstairs, I saw Tony take a bottle out from under his blanket and take a swig from it. We kinda had it out about it later; he said he didn't take any of the Jim Beam but admitted to drinking because he "wanted to enjoy his weekend". I told him, again, that he had agreed not to drink while he was living here, that it was not cool, and I couldn't tolerate it anymore. He said he understood, said he wouldn't drink after the weekend.
Today.
Monica saw Tony was passed out on his couch. She suspected he'd been drinking again. I agreed. Sure enough, in his trash can outside, were two large liquor bottles and a smaller, flask sized one. On the couch next to him was a McDonald's cup, half full of clear liquor.
Its not like he's got anything to be depressed about. He started helping out around the house. He pulled weeds with Monica a couple days ago. He just met a woman he really likes. She's been coming to see him at work, he's going out with her tonight after work, I think. They're supposed to go out to a club/bar on Saturday. I was supposed to go too.
I feel like I've been betrayed. He's lied to me. He's hiding his liquor. There's mouthwash in the back of his car and under his TV table. I don't know what to do. He's been my friend for 20 years. But the stress level in the house is really high. Do we kick him out? I don't know what that would do to our friendship, but then, its not like he hasn't been taking advantage of that anyway. The talks aren't working. Sure, he might stop drinking for a few days, but I know he'll just start up again, being more sneaky about it, or just drinking before he comes home at night.
Crap, I'm almost late for work.
posted by Tom at 2:35 PM
6 Comments:
You've been more than fair to him and at this point, it's enabling. He needs to take responsibility for himself, and the longer you guys take care of him and keep bailing him out, the harder that's going to be for him. A true friend wouldn't be putting you in this situation to begin with.
Hiya.
I have said this before in Monica's LJ but I will share my perspective with you as well. Know that this comes from a place of love and caring, and that I can empathize with what you're going through.
Before my first trip to the US, DH and I had a roommate. This was someone I considered to be a friend and he needed a break. We let him stay rent free with the condition that he'd pay for his groceries and take care of his own stuff.
The deal was that he could stay for 3-4 months, until he'd gotten established (he's from out of town) and had a bit saved up for his own place. Well, 4 turned into 5, turned into 6, 7, 8, 9 and eventually he did find a place after much poking and prodding and I spent part of my birthday moving him out - not exactly what I had planned for my b.day.
Since that day I have spoken to him, or e-mailed him, 2 rather than 3 times. He abused my friendship, he abused my kindness and he overstepped quite a few boundaries. We are no longer friends and sadly this has made me wary of the idea of stepping up for anyone. I am the type of person who would pretty much do ANYTHING for a friend, but that time I got burned badly and I am wary of getting to close to the flame again.
I would hate for this to happen between you and Tony, but sadly it sounds like things are heading that way. You are not doing him any favors by babying him. He is an adult and he has to take responsibility for his actions. Should you keep bailing him out and be lenient with him all you'll teach him is that he can continue to overstep the boundaries of your friendship without any consequences.
We teach other people how to treat us.
Yes, it is harsh, and it may even seem mean, cruel and heartless. It isn't. You are doing it with love and care for your friend. He has to grow up, he has to learn to be responsible for himself and his actions.
You have kids in the house and part of what you are doing as a parent is to raise an individual that will be respectful, responsible and independent. Letting them see (and thus learn) that you can get away with being irresponsible, inconsiderate, disrespectful and whatever else is not good for them.
More than that, it's not fair on you. You have done more than your share, you have been patient, you have stepped up for your friend, but now it's time to step back and let him deal with things on his own.
I wish you strength and courage to deal with whatever you decide to do.
Ella
It sounds to me that your friend is an alcoholic. The lying, hiding his drinking, the self-destructive behavior, the passing out while drinking alone - it's all pretty classic, almost stereotypical.
The hard part is, most people won't seek help if they can't see the problem, which it doesn't seem he does. If he's confronted and he denies his alcoholism, it may be that he is one of the people that has to reach rock bottom before anything can be done for him.
You can try contacting Ala-non for advice. They would be able to tell you what you can do to be supportive, without supporting his addictions.
Hey, I came over from Monica's journal. My thoughts on the matter, and I shared this with her as well, enough is enough. I know that it'll be hard because you've been friends for so long. but seriously, he's just taking advantage of you now. It sounds like you've given him chance after chance and he's just not getting it or he just doesn't care. And honestly, no matter how much I cared about a person, if they don't seem to care back, and consequently are hurting themselves as well as their relationship with me (which, it seems like Tony is hurting his relationship with you all because you can't trust him to keep his word that he wont drink, AND he has been stealing from you to continue his habits), maybe cutting that tie is in the best interest of everyone. And that's really shocking for me to say because I'm one that will keep going back to a person over and over again to see if they're OK. And maybe you can check back with Tony in a couple weeks or months, whatever time frame seems good to you, to see how he's doing. But I wouldn't re-extend a hand of hospitality. In my opinion, he's worn out his welcome.
And sorry... I didn't mean to give you a novella there.
I've said it before, cant remember whether it was in my blog or to Monica , that for alcoholics to change , they need to want to change.
This guy doesn't sound as if he wants to be different.
Sounds to me that you are way out of your depth in terms of being able to deal with his problems and you have other responsibilities to your children to consider. I can only applaud your willingness to help, but I think Gemini love has hit the nail on the head, that if you want to continue to help him you need some professional input into the situation.
John
Monica sent me over.
I really have no surefire advice that has any merit above what others above have already said.
Gemeni hit it on the head with the alcoholic thing. He needs to get that under control, and telling an alcoholic to stop drinking is about as effective as telling a mentally depressed person to simply 'cheer up'.
He needs to get help for his addiction before he will be any where near the 'normal' friend you are used to.
I don't know where exactly you guys are (TN somewhere, as far as I recall...) this site has a very long list of centers where he can get help, many of which specialize in alcohol addiction.
Sometimes people need a bit of a kick in the ass to get started on the path to recovery, just be there as a friend once he DOES start down the path to getting help.
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