Hi.

I just finished crying. I feel like I have painted myself into a corner. I have been thinking about my personal problems, and I can't think of a way to solve them. Makes me feel so worthless. I can't help but question my value as a human being. My life has no focus, no purpose. Except maybe to cause those around me pain and stress. I can't start anything; I can't finish anything. And in the case of something I've already started, I can't finsish because I'm filled with self-doubt as to whether I've done it right or not. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Yes I do, but I just can't pick one. None of the things I want to do fits with the others, and they are all too time-consuming to be able to do them all.

At least I know now why I can't start or finish anything. I'm afraid of failing. I'm so scared of not being successful that I don't even want to try. I've paralyzed myself. I'm afraid I won't understand something, and I'm afraid of being thought of as stupid. I had enough of that in school, and I don't want to go through that again.

Thank God James took his nap without a fuss today. The past few days he just wouldn't go to sleep. He kept fussing and crying, taking off his diaper, throwing his pacifier out of the crib. I've had to hold him and rock him to sleep. I know I'm making out to sound like a bad thing, but I got so tired of his fussing after the first 2 hours.

Damn I need a cig.