Frustration

I don't think I've ever been so frustrated on so many levels before. One of the corporals came down to my unit last night to talk to me about my supervision of the students. It was basically the same discussion I had with Sgt. Batts a couple weeks ago, except he was very nice about it. Not that she wasn't; but she spoke to me more like a supervisor (which she is), whereas he talked to me more like an equal. Its obvious to me from all the people coming to me trying to help me that they don't want to let me go, but... goddamn it, I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it again. The trouble I'm having is that I'm too nice to the students, too lenient. I've let them get away with too much, and now they've come to expect that. My 6 months probation is almost up and if I can't improve, I won't have a job. Trouble is, and I'm not ashamed to say it, I fear confrontation. These kids have a certain expectation of me right now, and when I go and change on them, all hell is going to break loose. I don't do well when someone gets up in my face because they're pissed off. I freeze up, I don't know how to react. I don't know if it's fear or the inability to think straight under pressure.

So... I'm going to try a new strategy. I have to learn to like being hated. If I do what Sgt. Batts and the others have talked to me about, these kids are going to hate me, because it will be almost a complete change of attitude.

I know the fault lies with me. I've given in too much, and now I have to tighten things up. Things are going to be rough for me at work for the next couple of weeks, but that's kind of like my punishment to letting things get out of hand. I made my bed, now I have to lie in it. Or in this case, take it apart and rebuild it properly.

On top of all this, I've been sick for the past week and a half, as you may have read in my last entry. (If you haven't, what the fuck are you reading this for?? Do you start reading a book from the end of the last chapter and go backwards??) My Meniere's disease was acting up, and that stupid pain in my side turned out to be pleurisy, which is an inflammation of the outer lung wall, which then rubs against the inner lung wall when you breathe, causing pain. I still have it but not nearly as bad. My wife is very horny, and I'm just not in the mood for sex. I have too much going through my head.

Maybe I should just go away for awhile... I'm not doing anyone any good here. All I'm doing is disappointing people. I've disappointed my supervisors at work, I've disappointed my wife... After all, how can I take care of my family and job if I can't take care of myself?