Spiraling

I'm on a downward spiral.  I can see it, I can feel it, but I can't do anything to stop it.  My life is a mess.  I'm constantly tired and/or in pain.  I set my alarm for a half hour later so I could get a little more sleep but now I find myself staying up later at night.  It's still a struggle to get up in the mornings.  I have to convince myself to get out of bed.  This morning I seriously considered calling in and going back to bed.  The only thing that stopped me was that the guy that I would have had come in probably wouldn't have answered the phone since he worked until midnight last night. 

I can't remember the last time I showered.  I think it's been about a month, not sure. 

Sitting hurts. Standing hurts.  Walking hurts.  Laying down hurts. 

I've been drinking more often.  Not to the point of getting DRUNK, but sometimes fairly buzzed.  Too many bad memories of Tony to want to do that. 

I have no motivation for anything.  All I want to do is to sit comfortably and not feel.  Some days I sit at work and just stare out the window.  I don't care about my job anymore, not really.  This year I have more weeks with overtime than without.  It's caused us to lose our SNAP benefits. 

I'm taking my meds.  I'm seeing a therapist.  My wife reminds me that she loves me.  I know it.  So far none of it seems to make a difference.