Write it out, she says.

Fine, I'll write it out, I don't expect it to help.

I'm a piece of shit.  I'm so wrapped up in my own misery that I don't think of anyone else.  I have nothing for anyone for Christmas.  NOTHING.  I gave Monica the ornament I got her already so she could have something to hang on the tree.  I drive by a fucking mall every day and I've never stopped.  I wish I could say that I never thought to, but I have, but all I want to do when I leave work is go home.  I want to go home and get wrapped up in a game and not think about anything else.  And now people are going to be disappointed in me, and me in myself even more.  My throat is already sore from crying, thanks.  I'm fucking miserable and I don't know how to not be.  Sure, I have moments and times when I'm not, but those are the exceptions.  I'm trapped in my head and I don't know how to get out.  Trapped in my own head, never thinking about anyone else.

Sorry, just noticed my desk was filthy and had to clean it off.

I don't know how to be normal.  I don't know when to go shopping or how much money that I can spend.  I only have the vaguest idea of what to get anyone.  I feel terrible.  I know I'm going to get things and I'm going to feel so shitty not having anything to give back.  I hate Christmas.  That's not true.  I love Christmas but I have gift-giving.  I never feel like what I give is enough.

Great, now I'm dizzy too.  And my pills are at home, but I probably wouldn't want to take one at work.

So there it is, that's how I feel right now.