THOUGHTS FROM THE BACK PORCH

So I did a little tape recording before... here's what I had to say:

"I'm standing out here on the back porch, Monica's on the computer, talking to Sherrie, finally, and talking to her cousin Kim, whos moving down here at the end of the month. We've been cleaning all day. We got Thomas' room all cleaned up and together again, and I took Anne's little mopper-vacuum thingy and got the floor all clean. I'm waiting on her to get off the phone so I can do the living room, because its rather loud. I came in the kitchen to make a tuna fish sandwich, and a sudden thought struck me, I don't know where it came from, but... I started to wonder if her life wouldn't be better if she hadn't married me. Its... its... I can see the look on her face if I mention this... She's be wide eyed, open mouthed, like "Don't say things like that!" But I can't help but wonder if, you know, my lazy habits haven't rubbed off on her and thats why we are in the position we are in. Very little money, you know, she's picking up being lazy from me. I mean, we're ALL lazy, I'm not trying to put any blame on her for being lazy, by any means. Hell, she's damn near super woman some days. Not like me. But I can't help but wonder if things would be better for her, and the family if we had never married, or gone out. I mean, she'd already be away from Jason, and thats a good thing; she'd have her medical assisting degree and she might have a different job or still be working for her father, but circumstances would be different. But I think I just brought so much of a negative factor to this house. I look at my kids and I so much don't want them to live the way I do and folloe my example but its a hard habit to break, you know? I... need to stop being lazy, for their sake, not just for my own."

So there it is. Hmm, my mother's birthday is in 3 days, what should I get her?

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It has been 8 days since my last entry.

Today is not a good day. I have woken up dizzy for the past 3-4 days, but it has usually gone away by the afternoon and I've been going to work. As you might notice by the time I entered this, I am not at work today. I have been dizzy to the point of being nauseous all day. Monica called me from school today (she was subbing for a half-day), wondering if everything was ok, because I was supposed to have brought the boys up to her mom so I could leave for work. Now her mom is going to know something is up. And her mom bitches to her about me not going to work. As if I can magically make myself all better. As if Monica needs the extra stress. I swear, I wish Anne had the nerve to say something to me about it; I'd give her an earful. Who is she, to judge me and my condition? I don't think she has any idea what Meniere's disease is, much less be able to complain about whether I should be working or not.

Okay, okay... I realize I mostly use this as an outlet for complaining... but heres a happy thought: I got paid yesterday. Yes, I actually worked a full week and got a full paycheck (minus the 15 minutes for the day my mother made me late; 'nuff said on that though). And I've already got dinner in the oven; herb-crusted pork roast. I'm thinking rice on the side, but I'd prefer mashed potatoes, but we don't have any potatoes, or any instant. But rice is good too. And there will be gravy. And the people rejoiced!