In memorium

My boss just came in and ruined my day.

No, he didn't fire me, although I am still likely to lose my job at the end of the month (but that's another story). No, he brought up Josh.

Josh O'Brien was the best friend I'd had in a long time. When we started working together, I almost couldn't stand him. He was annoying, brash, and had an abrasive personality. But slowly, we ended up working together more often, and then almost exclusively, and he grew on me, and I suppose I grew on him too. At least, I like to think I did. We'd talk more and find things in common; he had a funny sense of humor that, while decidedly juvenile, made me feel younger and more connected. Josh was 21, I am 37. So there's a small generation gap there. But it didn't matter. Josh was one of those people who didn't give a shit what anyone thought, and while that freed him from the bonds of peer pressure and conventionality, it was, unfortunately, his undoing also.

Joshua Lee O'Brien died February 20, 2009. The cause was alcohol poisoning. He died at my bosses house. They were good friends and had been drinking together the night before. Hell, he had come down to work the night before with Alex to invite me over after work to drink, but I had turned him down because I don't like to drink during the week when I work. I can't help thinking if things would have been different if I'd agreed to go over there, or if I'd have been the one to discover him dead instead.

But deep down, I don't think it would have mattered. Josh loved to drink, was an alcoholic in fact. Everyone knew it. But he wouldn't listen to anyone. When he was in high school he almost died in a car wreck because he was driving drunk. Literally, almost died. Crushed his legs, fractured ribs, cracked his skull, the works. I remember working with his mom at Nashua (irony, or at least coincidence) and hearing about it from her. Then he lost his license again while we were working together for underage consumption. That's another reason we bonded; at that time we were both riding bikes to work, though for different reasons.

But you couldn't tell Josh what to do. Fuck you if you tried. So instead I tried talking to Josh about why he drank, and what he could do to improve his life. He was trying to improve himself. He was going to college, taking some engineering courses. He didn't seem the type to me, but he was good at math and I wasn't going to try to talk him out of it. He agonized over class choices, and I tried to give him the best advice I could. In the end... it didn't matter.

Alex mentioned today that Josh's dad told him (Alex) that they didn't blame him for his son's death, and that in all honesty the call was not unexpected. Often he and his wife would come home from their extended stays in Nashville to find Josh passed out amid a dozen or so beer cans. They knew his habits, how couldn't they?

Josh was a good person, despite his rough exterior. He didn't deserve to die. He had so much potential. He was a good friend. He was trying to change himself.

I'd never had a close friend die before. Never had been to a funeral. And not a day has gone by since then that I haven't thought about him. Hell, if he were still alive I don't know that I would have changed shifts. And I feel bad for not having posted about him when he died, as if it weren't important to me. I guess that's why I am doing so now. It's a little easier to talk about, but not much. Its been 8 months since Josh died, but if I think about it too much it still makes me cry.

There's a song there, in that last line, but damned if I'm talented enough to write the rest of it. Besides, Josh would think it's gay. (Inside joke).