Cracks

I feel like I'm wearing out.  I hate coming to work.  I've called out a few times now just because I don't want to go in.  I've never missed a day before except to have my spleen out.  I hate the responsibility of being supervisor and I don't want it anymore.  And the stress at home is through the roof, between D and her dog, and Monica having been sick, and my periods of self-loathing and inactivity, then guilt and depression for the previous.  I am trying to contribute more, but I feel like its never enough or not good enough.  I vacuumed the living room once, but why couldn't I have done the kitchen or hallway too?  The day Monica came home from the hospital I washed some dishes, but that was mostly out of guilt too, since they'd been sitting there for several days. Why hadn't I done them sooner?  If I'd done them sooner I could have finished them all, instead of just having done 1 load.  These are the kind of questions and feelings I have.

Nothing ever seems to go right either.  Something simple turns into something complicated.  Right when we're in a financial strain another large bill comes in, or something breaks and needs to be fixed or replaced.  A perfect example is the shower faucet.  It started leaking hot water about a month ago, so I replace the washers in it, but that didn't fix it.  I replaced it with a brand new valve, that didn't stop the leakage either, and now the overall water pressure is down in the house for some reason.  Probably going to have to call a plumber, but we can't afford it right now.  2 weeks ago we were overdrawn.  I've got medical bills out the ass.  Some of them have gone to collections.

I want to be happy, I really do.  I'd love to come on here and write a positive blog post more often than not.  You know what makes me happy?  Food.  Food tastes amazing.  No matter what mood you're in, food is delicious.  Sure, sometimes you have to be in the mood for something, but overall food is comfort and happiness.  It's why I've gotten so fat.  I'm filling my empty hollowness with food.  The stupid thing is that I KNOW why I'm eating so much but I can't stop.  If not for food I'd probably be smoking again, or drinking more often.

It's hard to think straight sometimes, especially when I'm in a low point.  Either I can't concentrate enough to work the logic, or I just want to dissociate and not think at all.  And its hard to stay on topic.  A random thought will pop into my head and distract me, or its something I have to talk about NOW.  Or I get bored and don't pay attention and then get lost.  These are the things plagued me in high school.

I have no more thoughts right now.  I guess I'll end this here.