Crying

I cried myself to sleep last night.  Been a long time since I've done that.  I hate my life.  Everything is chaos.  DeAnne is moving out.  New furniture is moving in.  The house is a mess.  We still aren't cleaned up from Thanksgiving.  Got a new guard at work 2 weeks ago to balance out the schedule.  Now I'm losing one because she let her guard license expire.  My back always hurts.  I'm starting to have trouble sleeping.  I used to start dozing off on the couch around midnight.  Now I'm dozing off during the day and staying up later and later at night.  My video games aren't fun anymore, they're just a distraction to keep me from thinking about other things.  My doctor says I've lost weight but I don't believe it.  I'm eating everything in sight.  I keep having flashbacks to grade school and high school, when I was teased all the time about being a geek nerd wimp ugly loser weakling.  And I'm wondering if they were right all along.  I've always perceived things differently from other people.  Maybe they saw me for what I really am, and I am just lying to myself.

I don't want to go on like this.  I can't cope with anything anymore.  I wish I could find meds that work.  I wish I could turn off my brain, and just... be.  I wish I wasn't afraid to go buy a bottle of bourbon and drown myself in it.  If wishes were fishes... I'd have a lot of fish.  Probably dysfunctional, retarded ones.  I'm fucking crying at work now, great.  One of these days I'm afraid I'm going to drive myself into a tree on the way to or from work.