Hi.

I just finished crying. I feel like I have painted myself into a corner. I have been thinking about my personal problems, and I can't think of a way to solve them. Makes me feel so worthless. I can't help but question my value as a human being. My life has no focus, no purpose. Except maybe to cause those around me pain and stress. I can't start anything; I can't finish anything. And in the case of something I've already started, I can't finsish because I'm filled with self-doubt as to whether I've done it right or not. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Yes I do, but I just can't pick one. None of the things I want to do fits with the others, and they are all too time-consuming to be able to do them all.

At least I know now why I can't start or finish anything. I'm afraid of failing. I'm so scared of not being successful that I don't even want to try. I've paralyzed myself. I'm afraid I won't understand something, and I'm afraid of being thought of as stupid. I had enough of that in school, and I don't want to go through that again.

Thank God James took his nap without a fuss today. The past few days he just wouldn't go to sleep. He kept fussing and crying, taking off his diaper, throwing his pacifier out of the crib. I've had to hold him and rock him to sleep. I know I'm making out to sound like a bad thing, but I got so tired of his fussing after the first 2 hours.

Damn I need a cig.

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find that I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

(chorus)
I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere only to find that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cuz I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

(chorus)

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today

(chorus)

I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong

"Somewhere I Belong"
by Linkin Park,
Track 3 of the album "Meteora"

I can really identify with this song.