I'm so sick of being dizzy it's not funny.

Wait a minute, I think I've said that before.... odd.

So Tuesday night I'm working and I'm thinking about stuff like money, bills, and the fact that I'm the only one working to support 7 people. Then I have an anxiety attack. That was scary. My head got all swimmy, like disjointed. My heart started pounding and my chest got all tight; I felt like I was drowning. I had rolls of labels in my hands at the time and they went flying down to the packer area. I was not in control of myself. That was scary. I finally got a little calmer and went to the bathroom to calm down. Sat down, read a conveniently placed magazine for about 15 minutes, went back out to work. 2 minutes later I'm feeling it all again. Hell, my head is getting all swimmy just thinking about it now.

Break time came, and I made a break for home. I turned up the music, trying to ignore the things in my head. By the time I got to the house I was nearly in tears, and I broke down once I got inside. Talked to my friend Tony for a little about it; he's had them before and told me how he handled them. That helped a bit. I made it through the rest of the night with only twice coming close to taking someone's head off. Trust me, it was tempting.

So yesterday I woke up dizzy. Today too, for that matter. So now I'm wondering if there is some kind of connection between them. I mean, I know that stress is a trigger for my Meniere's disease, and is the main trigger for anxiety attacks, but I wonder if there's something else too. I just didn't imagine that the same stress would be affecting me for 2 days like this. I missed work yesterday, and I'll probably end up missing today too. And I was out all last week. I don't fucking need this right now.

Well, found my tape recorder, so here's that blog I recorded a couple weeks ago, verbatim:

"I'm having such a (garbled) time with myself right now. I... have a hard time putting it into words, but I can feel it inside. (sigh) I don't feel like I can get anywhere in life anymore. I have no.. confidence, I... it feels like a struggle just to get through every day. Sometimes. Not every day, but... I don't know where I'm going anymore. I don't like the routine my life has become, and I don't feel like I can do anything to fix it. I don't know what to do. Every... I look down roads I could take, but none of them... I don't feel like anything possible, I don't feel like... I don't feel like I can even accomplish what I want because in my mind, its too difficult, or that it will be fruitful. I don't feel like anything I do anymore has any meaning. I'm not getting anywhere, I'm working just barely getting by, getting bills paid, you know, keeping from going bankrupt. I'm not the father I could be, or could have been... I'm not the person I used to be. I'm not the person I want to be. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't have the courage to go through with anything that might help, cuz I'm too afraid of failing, and that will just sink me deeper. And with a wife and 4 children, I don't need to get any deeper in the mire than I already am. I think part of my problem stems from the fact that I've always had someone else rescue me from my troubles, and maybe that's what I'm waiting for, is for someone to magically whisk me away and to say "Here! We'll fix it for you!" And maybe that's my, maybe I'm too reliant on other people to fix my problems, instead of ME going forward and putting the effort in, to get myself back on the road, back on the right track. Maybe that's it. But from my standpoint, I don't know what I CAN do. Its not that I don't know. I don't SEE what I can do, you know? I wanna lay all my troubles on someone else and make them feel pity, or god help, laugh at me or whatever, because I'm too incompetent to take care of my own troubles.

Anyway, I'm at work."

Damn, look at all those run-on sentences...