Mmm... lasagna.

That's what I'm having for breakfast, leftover frozen lasagna. It Yummy.

So... umm... Yeah. Went another night without smoking. Like alcoholics or being in drug rehab, I'm taking this one day at a time. Still getting cravings, mostly from habit, I think, than from nicotine. It hit me hard when I went to do my rounds last night at work, but it went away pretty quick as I slowly froze. That's one good thing quitting smoking, I'll stay warmer, since I smoke outside nearly all of the time.

Soon I'll move on to the rest of my list, since I'm confident about not smoking anymore. Monica got an exercise bike through freecycle that I'm trying to find room for in our room. It's pretty cool, its got a fan blade as the wheel, the handles go back and forth for an upper-body workout, and the electronics keep track of miles, calories burned, time, that kind of thing. I think it'll be a good way to start getting in shape. Some cardio. I can't wait to get rid of this oversized stomach. I'm pushing 240 lbs; if I get any heavier I'll be stressing the patch from my umbilical hernia surgery. More motivation, gotta love it.

Ooh, I could be doing my taxes online... Think I will.

20 Hours

20 hours smoke free so far. Let me tell you, it hasn't been as easy as I thought it'd be. Well, I didn't think it'd be easy, but I didn't expect the cravings this bad. Makes me wonder how much nicotine is added to cigarettes, besides whatever occurs naturally. Makes me wonder how someone came up with the idea of smoking tobacco in the first place. I mean, how do you think of things like that?

"Hey Jim, lets take these leaves, dry them out, shred them, roll them up in paper, and inhale the resulting smoke through a cotton filter?"

Who thinks like that? Tobacco companies, I guess.

Actually, now that I think about it, smoking is rather elitist, in a manner. I mean, the smoker is inhaling the "safer" smoke through the filtered end, while the "second hand" smoke dissipates in the general public. Even factories are required to filter their toxic output.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not going to turn into a rabid anti-smoker. You know the ones, the ones who used to smoke and try to convince you to quit by vomiting on about the money you'll save, the cancer risks, and how much longer you'll live if you quit right now. I could care less if you smoke or not, unless you're on oxygen. Then you really shouldn't be smoking, but if you're on oxygen, you're probably like in your 80's or so, so you haven't really got much longer to live anyways, so... hell, light up.

Blog resurrection

And Tom said: Let there be Blog! And there was, and it was good.

I have a plan. I emailed it to myself from work. Here it is, copied and pasted for your viewing pleasure.

1) Quit smoking

2) Exercise - join a gym or get exercise equipment to feel better about yourself. Feeling better about yourself will keep you motivated.

3) Clean - A clean house will reduce stress and keep yourself focused

4) Decide what you want to do and commit to it - no excuses, no quitting, no matter how hard it seems

5) Learn all you can about what you are going to do - if its building computers, then DO it. Don't fear the unknown. Don't waffle! Don't waver. Indecision leads to inability to DO.

6) Do it NOW. If you wait, you will second guess yourself, and you will wonder if you are making the right decision. See #5.

7) Journal, Blog, whatever. Keep track of your thoughts. Get them out. Get those thoughts out of your head where you can examine them and determine their validity.

Explanation of the plan:
1) Quitting smoking is right for my health. When I go to bed today, I will have smoked my last. Already I am questioning this, but I must remain firm, or I will never quit. An article I read said that quitting smoking on a whim is more effective than planning it out. I must discipline myself; I have too long been without. And this is the first step on my road to self-discipline.

2) I need a better self-image. When I stop worrying about what I look like, about how fat I feel, then I will be able to focus better on my goals. Whether I join a gym, or buy some exercise equipment for home, I need to. Eventually I will work out a diet plan also.

3) The state of my house is depressing. It will take some effort from everyone involved, but this must also be done. This links in with self-image. If my environment upsets me, I will not be able to focus well.

4) Indecision has killed me in the past. All my life, really. I need a career. I do not want to be a security guard for the rest of my life, no matter how easy it may be. It does not challenge me, it does not motivate me; in fact, it makes me more lax, unless we're busy.

5) This means I'll probably end up going to school, whether its real college or technical school. That's really the only way to go. I want to build and design computers for people.

6) If I wait to do this, I am not acting. If I sit and plan this all out before starting, I'll flounder in indecision.

7) That indecision is going to be posted here. I must get it out of my head. I can examine it here, as well as anyone else reading. Comments will be most appreciated, whether positive or negative.

The reason behind all this.
I watched The Bourne Identity this morning at work. For those of you who do not know, I am an overnight security guard at a distribution center. I get paid $8.50 and hour, 40 hours a week, plus any incidental overtime. Weekends are usually the slowest part of the week, so before you get any ideas about us (there are 3 of us on duty at all times) being lazy, let me assure you that there isn't much to do on the weekends.

Anyways, I watched this movie. The plot basically goes that this guy is found floating in the Mediterranean, almost dead. When he wakes up he has no memory of who he is or what he has done. So he goes to find out anything he can about himself, following the scant leads he has. When he discovers his past, he finds he doesn't like it, wants to keep it in the past, and start fresh.

I identified very much with him. I want to change myself, change the road I'm on. While I don't want to separate myself from everything I have now, I must change some of it to help change myself. And I cannot second-guess myself. No looking back, unless its to change something that isn't or hasn't worked.

So there it is. I am going to do this. I will succeed. I will be strong. I will be better. I will be motivated.