*SIGH*
It figures. I have a responsibility today, and I'm not sure I can fulfill it. Why, you ask? Well, it feels like my brain is conspiring against me, honestly. After helping my parents clean up the flood in their basement caused by their washing machine yesterday, I promised I would go over there today and help sort and take out some of the trash. Tony was with me, and I mentioned to him on the way home that I hoped my brain wouldn't give me problems today. I guess I shouldn't have mentioned it, because I seem to have jinxed myself. I struggled for 45 minutes to get out of bed. Came upstairs, took my meds, drank my coffee, and waited for the dizziness to pass, as it sometimes does. It hasn't yet.

I need to shake this. How can I be a responsible person, raising 4 children and helping out my 2 best friends, if I can't help being dizzy??? I never know when its going to happen, or how bad it will be when it does. My mom really needs my help today, and I promised it to her, but I can't be there for her right now. And on a greater scale, the same thing for my family. I am the only one with a job in this house, and I can't work. Money has suddenly become tight again, and there's no real quick way to get more. I'm finding it hard to get past the "if only's" to try and figure out a solution. And worrying more now has made me more dizzy.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Hey look, its me again.

Lots of stuff going on at home. New plan for living. Hopefully it will work out.

Tony came to me last night. Scared the piss out of me, too. He came upstairs, looked at me and said in a quiet voice, "We need to talk. Grab your jacket." I could not imagine what made him feel that way. I felt like I had done something wrong. We go downstairs and outside and have a cigarette, and he's quiet for a minute or two, so I ask him what's wrong. One thing about Tony; he tends to ramble on a lot before making his point. After about 15 minutes of this, I'm getting real tired, and the wind is bothering my ears, and I ask him where he's going with all of this. And it takes another half-hour rambling to get to the point again.

Control. It's all about control. He wants to learn more control. And he wants to learn it from me.

Me. The guy who feels, on the inside, like he's lost all control. What little control I have left is because I know if I let it go, the rest of my life will fall apart. But he wants to learn it from me.

Actually, he wants to learn it from who I was. When he spoke to me last night, he told me about how he saw me. Things from when we first met, or while we were in school, and at Tae Kwon Do class, or just hanging out after all that. He gave me his perception of me. And honestly, it made me feel really good, even though I don't feel like how he described me. But I also felt his need. He needs me to be that person again, and show him my self-discipline, my techniques for control. And I'm not sure I can be that person again. So much has changed in my life, for better and for worse, that I don't know if I can attain that mindset again. I want to, I just don't know if I am mentally ready.

But you know what? I need to be. I need to try. I have to try. (I like to try.) And not just for Tony. For my whole family. For me. If I can be that strong in mind again, in self discipline, I could do anything. And I really mean it.

I am going to try.


NO.


I am going to.