Falling apart
Damn, let me blow the dust off this here blog, dust out the cobwebs...
Well, the shit has really hit the fan this time. The dizzies are back, I have that stupid pain in my ribs every time I breathe, and my wrist is hurting again. I'm thoroughly depressed. I haven't been able to work since last Wednesday. At least I have a doctors note for it. The doctor gave me a scrip for some valium to help with the dizzy spells, and its kinda been working. I still get them, but they aren't as bad or so often. Trouble is, I can't go to work while on the valium, considering my job. For those new to my blog, I am a Children's Services Officer. I work in a juvenile jail, basically, and I have to be very attentive.
Speaking of which... I'm not sure this job is for me anymore. I've been thinking about this for a while now. Hell, thinking about it right now is making me dizzy. I just can't seem to get through to the kids, at least about certain things. I can't deal with them when they are up in my face; I don't know what to do. I'm not an intimidating person, I can't just tell them to back off, or else. I can't make them listen to me. I've been called up to the supervisors office twice about my lack of control over the kids. Every time I take the kids off the unit I have to HOPE that they're going to behave because no matter what I do or say they don't listen.
Funny thing is, the Meniere's disease didn't act up until I had a day off. I have a theory about that though. Because I am so damn good at bottling my feelings and hiding them away, I think it was the fact that I allowed myself to relax and let it out that triggered the dizziness. And I think that's why its been affecting me this long, because I've been holding it in for a while. It makes sense to me now, when I think about my job at Nashua, because I had worked there for so long, and then was out for a year because of it. I still sometimes wonder if this isn't some form of anxiety though.
I hate my body. Except for my legs; they still have some of their old shape. I am becoming such a sloth. All I've done during my time off is either sit at the computer or sit by the TV and play with my PS2. Oh, I think I made dinner once or twice on the grill, but that's about it. And I'm always eating something lately. I'm constantly drinking soda and/or eating candy. I've gained 10 pounds since the last time I was at the doctors a month ago. I'm acutely aware of my big ole pot belly, and the stretch marks on it. I don't see how Monica enjoys seeing me naked. (OK, some of you didn't need that image in your head. Tough.) I have no muscle tone to speak of, I don't exercise.
I have this great plan on how to get back into shape, if only I had the money and the discipline. I sign the family up for a membership at the community center, so I can go swimming and maybe even lift some. Every other day I'd practice what I remember of Tae Kwon Do. But there are 2 things stopping me: 1) Lack of money for a membership, and 2) lack of self discipline to get up in the morning to even have time to practice Tae Kwon Do.
So long ago I had self-discipline. I can't think of when I started losing it. Its the most important thing for kids to learn these days. My girls can't wait to grow up and move out so they can do what they want to. Of course, I was the same way too at their age, but I wish I could make them see what I didn't back then.
OK, I think I got just about everything out, except for the couple of times I had the fleeting fantasy of swallowing the entire bottle of valium, but I was feeling a lot worse then. No worries about that now, please.
Well, the shit has really hit the fan this time. The dizzies are back, I have that stupid pain in my ribs every time I breathe, and my wrist is hurting again. I'm thoroughly depressed. I haven't been able to work since last Wednesday. At least I have a doctors note for it. The doctor gave me a scrip for some valium to help with the dizzy spells, and its kinda been working. I still get them, but they aren't as bad or so often. Trouble is, I can't go to work while on the valium, considering my job. For those new to my blog, I am a Children's Services Officer. I work in a juvenile jail, basically, and I have to be very attentive.
Speaking of which... I'm not sure this job is for me anymore. I've been thinking about this for a while now. Hell, thinking about it right now is making me dizzy. I just can't seem to get through to the kids, at least about certain things. I can't deal with them when they are up in my face; I don't know what to do. I'm not an intimidating person, I can't just tell them to back off, or else. I can't make them listen to me. I've been called up to the supervisors office twice about my lack of control over the kids. Every time I take the kids off the unit I have to HOPE that they're going to behave because no matter what I do or say they don't listen.
Funny thing is, the Meniere's disease didn't act up until I had a day off. I have a theory about that though. Because I am so damn good at bottling my feelings and hiding them away, I think it was the fact that I allowed myself to relax and let it out that triggered the dizziness. And I think that's why its been affecting me this long, because I've been holding it in for a while. It makes sense to me now, when I think about my job at Nashua, because I had worked there for so long, and then was out for a year because of it. I still sometimes wonder if this isn't some form of anxiety though.
I hate my body. Except for my legs; they still have some of their old shape. I am becoming such a sloth. All I've done during my time off is either sit at the computer or sit by the TV and play with my PS2. Oh, I think I made dinner once or twice on the grill, but that's about it. And I'm always eating something lately. I'm constantly drinking soda and/or eating candy. I've gained 10 pounds since the last time I was at the doctors a month ago. I'm acutely aware of my big ole pot belly, and the stretch marks on it. I don't see how Monica enjoys seeing me naked. (OK, some of you didn't need that image in your head. Tough.) I have no muscle tone to speak of, I don't exercise.
I have this great plan on how to get back into shape, if only I had the money and the discipline. I sign the family up for a membership at the community center, so I can go swimming and maybe even lift some. Every other day I'd practice what I remember of Tae Kwon Do. But there are 2 things stopping me: 1) Lack of money for a membership, and 2) lack of self discipline to get up in the morning to even have time to practice Tae Kwon Do.
So long ago I had self-discipline. I can't think of when I started losing it. Its the most important thing for kids to learn these days. My girls can't wait to grow up and move out so they can do what they want to. Of course, I was the same way too at their age, but I wish I could make them see what I didn't back then.
OK, I think I got just about everything out, except for the couple of times I had the fleeting fantasy of swallowing the entire bottle of valium, but I was feeling a lot worse then. No worries about that now, please.
posted by Tom at 2:15 AM
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